What Keeps Love Strong? The Power of Shared Meaning.
Ever wonder what keeps some couples strong for decades? A thriving marriage goes beyond managing daily responsibilities like parenting, finances, and household tasks. It’s also about cultivating a deep, meaningful connection—one that feels purposeful, includes shared rituals, and honors the emotional and even spiritual bond between partners.
The Gottman Framework: Where Shared Values Fit In
Couples who intentionally create shared meaning and align around common goals tend to experience deeper intimacy—one of the defining features of lasting love. Intimacy doesn’t happen by accident; it’s something that grows through consistent care and effort. Staying emotionally connected to your partner doesn’t mean idealizing them or expecting a conflict-free relationship. Disagreements are a natural part of any partnership, and the goal isn’t to avoid them but to learn how to navigate them with respect and understanding—without trying to impose your own viewpoint.
Want to deepen the sense of shared meaning in your relationship? It starts with consistently spending meaningful time together which creates the space to truly understand each other’s inner world—your hopes, emotions, and dreams. This kind of connection takes ongoing effort and dedication. According to Dr. Gottman’s research, couples who commit to this lifelong process are more likely to enjoy a strong and fulfilling marriage.
Creating Shared Meaning is at the very top of Gottman’s Sound Relationship House, his renowned theory on relationships. It includes rituals of connection, roles and goals and shared symbols and dreams.
What Are Shared Values?
Shared values are beliefs about family, work, spirituality, community, and lifestyle that form a shared purpose or meaning. Let me point to the fact that values are distinct from shared interests or hobbies. An example might be a couple who shares a core value of community service, personal growth or health, although they enjoy different hobbies and activities that express that value.
Why Shared Values Matter Over Time
John Gottman’s research found that ongoing discussions about these values matter over time. He discovered that couples with shared meaning have greater marital satisfaction and resilience. This is likely because values guide decisions in parenting, finances, and life transitions. When life gets hard, values can anchor a couple's purpose and direction. Shared values promote emotional connection and a sense of being “on the same team.”
What Happens When Values Clash?
When values clash in a relationship, couples can navigate value differences. Not all values will align. What’s more important is that couples strive to understand and honor each other’s values. The Gottman Method uses an intervention called Dreams Within Conflict to help couples explore the deeper meaning behind their values to increase understanding and help couples find common ground in a spirit of empathizing and curiosity rather than convincing your partner that your way is better.
Building Shared Meaning: Practical Tools
So what are some practical ways to build shared values in your relationship and ensure a resilient and long lasting union? The Gottman Method offers the following strategies:
Love Maps: asking open-ended questions about dreams, values, and life goals.
Rituals of connection: how shared time and traditions reinforce values.
Creating a shared vision: reflecting together on what kind of life you want to build.
In my practice with couples, I have seen these tools make a significant difference in a couple’s experience of emotional connectedness. One couple I worked with had lost touch with each other. Their lives had been taken over by the daily grind and routine of family life. They had forgotten to greet each other and even say hello and goodbye. There was little space reserved for checking in and being curious about each other. They felt lonely - like roommates. Once they started to prioritize rituals and set aside intentional time for meaningful conversation (and not just logistics), they began to feel more connected. One of the rituals they started was Gottman’s 6 second kiss when they greeted each other at the end of their work day. This served to help bring back some romantic feelings and desire. They felt more like the couple they were and the couple they aspired to be.
The Lake Erie Center for Relationship Counseling invites you to start a conversation tonight about what matters most. If you want some guidance, pick up John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work. You can also download the Gottman Card Decks App to help have more meaningful conversations. Check out the decks called “Open Ended Questions” and “Love Maps” to start. You are always welcome to book an appointment, too. We are here to support you on your journey to a deeper and more meaningful relationship!