Trust Isn't Set-and-Forget It A Gottman Couples Guide
I come home from work looking stressed and exhausted. My partner is busy getting dinner ready. They can put down what they are doing and show concern for my mood, or they can keep busy with cutting vegetables. They can choose to take a moment to prioritize me and our relationship or keep preparing dinner. That’s what Dr. John Gottman calls a sliding door moment - a moment of decision that occurs during daily activity. One missed opportunity to connect won’t ruin the relationship, however, over time, if turning away becomes the norm, the relationship suffers.
Gottman’s research shows trust is not a one-time achievement; it’s an ongoing process. The previously mentioned sliding door moments are opportunities to say to our partner, “I’m here for you. I see you. You’re important to me.” This isn’t only communicated in words, but also in actions. Gottman calls choosing to be curious about our partner or offering a connecting response in these moments “Turning Toward” your partner. “Turning Toward” increases feelings of trust. When our partner dismisses us or turns away from us in these moments, trust feels diminished.
What the Gottman Method Says About Betrayal
Gottman’s research on trust and betrayal shows betrayal doesn’t always begin with dramatic actions—it often starts subtly, like emotionally turning away in a moment of need. The possibility of betrayal grows when disconnection is paired with a mental shift known as a “comparison level for alternatives,” a concept introduced by researcher Caryl Rusbult. This is the moment when someone not only disengages but also begins to think, “I don’t have to put up with this—I could do better elsewhere.” Once those thoughts take root, they can set off a chain reaction: commitment weakens, criticism replaces appreciation, and resentment grows while gratitude fades. Emotional investment declines, partners stop making sacrifices for one another, and everyday conflicts begin to escalate. These are some of the important ingredients in the recipe of betrayal.
An Ongoing Life of Trust
During the life of every couple, new situations and events offer new opportunities to build trust and new moments when trust is needed. The partner who says they will wake up early to help with a project builds a new type of trust. A new coworker joins the team at work, and you share this information and your feelings about it. Even when you “don’t want to bother your partner” - you can choose to connect and be emotionally available. Trust is more like breathing than it is like a hat. The hat is just an object possessed. It is thought of as the same each day. It is unchanged by circumstances and requires little effort once acquired. A hat is “set and forget.” On the other hand, breathing goes on constantly. Breathing nourishes the body and adjusts to activity and circumstances.
There are actions that allow you to grow your trust. Gottman describes trust being built through attunement, emotional responsiveness, and turning toward each other. He describes attunement using an acronym:
Awareness of your partner’s emotion;
Turning toward your partner;
Tolerance of two different viewpoints; trying to
Understand your partner;
Non-defensive responses to your partner; and responding with
Empathy.
An example of attunement is when you make the choice to respond with attentiveness and care. These kinds of actions strengthen your emotional bond. Each time you turn toward your partner in response to their need for closeness, you're actively reinforcing the trust and stability in your relationship. This ongoing effort to be present and emotionally available fosters a deeper sense of intimacy and has been strongly linked to greater relationship satisfaction over time. The good news is that by taking these actions and becoming aware of these patterns, we can begin to build trust, strengthen emotional bonds, and most importantly, become more trustworthy ourselves.
Each day doesn’t require a romantic date, a multi-hour soul baring, bouquet of flowers, or a completed “honey do” list. It does require at least one thing. Anything to strengthen trust. Did you stop and share how you feel? Did you listen to a shared moment of happiness or frustration?
If you and your partner are feeling disconnected or unsure of how to rebuild trust, support is available. At the Lake Erie Center for Relationship Counseling, we use the Gottman Method to help couples repair and strengthen their emotional bond and build trust.
What one thing are you going to do today to build trust?