Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but what happens when one partner avoids it altogether? At its core, avoiding conflict often stems from a desire to please others, driven by a fear of causing harm or upsetting someone by sharing your honest feelings. This pattern can lead to feelings of frustration and isolation, damaging the individual and the relationship.

One common dynamic in relationships is when one partner actively avoids confrontation or arguments, which can leave the other feeling unheard, frustrated, or misunderstood. Imagine the following scenario: In the middle of a disagreement, Mark tries to bring up an issue with his partner, Lisa, but she shuts down, stops responding, and walks away. Mark feels frustrated and confused, unsure why she won't engage. Lisa avoids conflict by withdrawing emotionally and physically, hoping the issue will just fade away.

Enter the Gottman Method as a proven, research-backed approach to managing conflict. It offers tools to get you both on the same page for approaching conflict effectively. This Method provides a structure to help discover together the underlying issue getting in the way of communication when conflict arises. It provides a structure to engage in a conflict conversation that has you both feeling heard, seen, and understood. From this baseline, conflict conversations can be had with more skill and ease.

Learn more about Couples Counseling

Understanding the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

What is the pursuer-distancer dynamic? It’s when one partner seeks engagement and resolution (pursuer), while the other avoids conflict (distancer). Imagine a second example: A wife is feeling anxious about the lack of communication from her husband. She craves more connection, more vulnerability, and wants him to open up so they can improve their relationship. But when she expresses this, he responds with, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

As her frustration grows, she begins to make demands— which leads him to pull away further. In turn, she starts criticizing him, and he becomes defensive. The tension rises—she becomes angry and even shows contempt, while he shuts down, emotionally stonewalling.

From her perspective, she can’t understand why he won’t see how wrong and stubborn he is. From his side, he’s struggling with the weight of her demands and feeling like he’s not enough for her.

Sound like a familiar pattern? This pursuer-distancer dynamic is a classic example of what Gottman describes as one of the most destructive cycles in relationships. His research sheds light on this extremely common dynamic that happens in between some partners. It gives language and insight to the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors which consistently cause the erosion of relationships. For the couple, this new understanding is the first step toward breaking free. With Gottman Method’s insights and the couple’s willingness, they can choose to respond to the pursuer-distancer pattern in a way that strengthens their relationship.

The Role of Emotional Safety in Conflict

Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of creating a safe environment for emotional expression. When one partner avoids arguments, it can signal a lack of emotional safety or fear of criticism, judgment, or escalation. Emotional safety enables us the freedom to collaborate, dream, share bold ideas, feel compassion, and express ourselves freely with one another.

Avoiding arguments may be a defense mechanism for one partner, particularly if they fear their feelings will be dismissed or invalidated. If every time they bring up something bothering them, they feel dismissed or criticized, they eventually stop bringing anything up. They have to know that their partner has their back; that there exists a willingness on the side of their partner to listen and try to understand.

Developing a way to approach conflict together creates emotional safety. Knowing the steps to move through conflict and make room for respectful exchange makes a huge difference. It’s something you both partners can count on to support your relationship through tough conversations.

Strategies for Managing Conflict When One Partner Avoids Arguments

Create a Softened Startup:

How a conversation starts predicts how it will end. When you start the conversation gently, it communicates respect and causes both you and your partner to feel positive about yourselves and your relationship. This Gottman principle involves bringing up issues in a calm, non-confrontational way.

Set a Time for Conflict:

It is important to schedule a time to talk about issues when emotions are calm. It’s helpful for both you and your partner to agree on a time when you can come together and discuss the issue without interruptions, reducing the pressure and potential for avoidance.

Respect the Avoidant Partner’s Need for Space:

It is also important to respect the avoidant partner’s need for space or time to process before engaging in difficult conversations. For example, setting a specific “timeout” period, followed by a commitment to return to the conversation when both partners are ready to engage.

Practice Active Listening:

Another crucial element is listening actively and empathetically when the avoidant partner is ready to engage. For example, paraphrasing or summarizing what the other person said to ensure understanding.

How to Encourage a Shift in the Avoidant Partner’s Behavior

**Be patient**: Changing patterns takes time. Offer support, not pressure.
**Create a safe environment**: Focus on building a sense of trust and safety through consistent positive interactions.
**Seek professional help**: If the avoidant behavior persists or deeply affects the relationship, suggest seeking couples counseling with a Gottman Method trained therapist to help you both navigate conflict more effectively.

Conclusion

It is necessary to create a safe, supportive environment for both partners to feel heard and valued. Remember, managing conflict when one partner avoids arguments requires patience, active listening, and a commitment to practicing healthy communication. Reaching out for professional support can also be a meaningful way to move forward, together.

The Lake Erie Center for Relationship Counseling is here for you if you need more guidance. Professional therapy offers tailored solutions to specific issues, including managing conflict and creating emotional safety. We offer Gottman Method Couples Therapy to help improve conflict resolution skills and strengthen your relationship.