*Why it happens, how it hurts, and what to do instead—backed by Gottman Method tools*

You know that feeling. You bring something up, maybe it's the laundry, a tone of voice, or feeling overlooked. Before you even finish, your partner is on the defense. And just like that, you're off to the races. Accusation. Justification. Silence. Or worse, an argument that has nothing to do with what started it.
This, my friends, is what we call the Criticism–Defensiveness Loop, and it’s one of the most common dynamics I see in couples therapy.
In Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we talk a lot about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, four negative communication patterns that predict relationship distress and even divorce. Two of the most common culprits are:
**Criticism** – When you attack your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific behavior.
**Defensiveness** – When you respond to perceived attacks with excuses, blame-shifting, or victimhood.

Together, they create a cycle: one partner feels unheard or hurt and expresses it with criticism. The other partner feels blamed and reacts with defensiveness. Rinse and repeat.

Over time, this loop erodes emotional safety, turning small concerns into major disconnection.

Real-Life Example: “You Never Listen to Me!”

Let’s say Jenna tells her partner:
“You never listen to me. You’re always on your phone when I’m talking.”

Her partner, Alex, responds:
“I do listen! You just always talk when I’m busy or tired.”

What just happened?

Jenna’s criticism (a global statement about character: “you never listen”) puts Alex on the defensive.

Alex’s defensiveness (excuses and counter-blame) ensures the original concern gets buried under frustration.

Neither person feels heard. Neither problem gets solved.

Why It Hurts

This dynamic doesn’t just make conversations hard, it breaks down trust, vulnerability, and emotional connection. When this becomes a pattern, partners often tell me:

“I feel like I have to walk on eggshells.”

“We talk, but nothing ever gets resolved.”

“I’m starting to feel hopeless.”

If this sounds familiar, know this: it’s not just you. And it can change.

The Gottman Way Out: Replacing Criticism with a Gentle Start-Up

Dr. John Gottman found that how a conversation starts predicts how it will end with 96% accuracy. If you start with criticism, you're likely to end with conflict. But if you start gently, you're more likely to be heard.

Here’s how to shift from criticism to a Gentle Start-Up:

Instead of:
“You never listen to me.”
Try:
“I feel ignored when I’m sharing something important and you’re on your phone. I’d love to feel more connected. Can we talk about that?”

This simple reframe uses softened language and I-statements to express needs without blame.

Formula to Try: I feel [emotion] about [situation]. I need [positive need].

Read about Conflict Avoidance in Relationships: Why Therapy Addresses It Head-On

Turning Down Defensiveness: Practicing Responsibility

When you feel accused, it’s natural to defend yourself. But defensiveness keeps the loop alive. The antidote? Take some responsibility.

This doesn’t mean you’re “wrong.” It just means you’re prioritizing the relationship over being right.

Instead of:
“I was listening. You just talk too much.”
Try:
“You’re right. I was distracted. I want to be more present for you. Let’s try again.”

Sound impossible? It takes practice. But over time, these moments build trust and change the entire emotional tone of your relationship.

What If This Pattern Feels Stuck?

If this loop is familiar and hard to break, you’re not alone. Many couples fall into it not because they don’t love each other, but because they don’t know how to get unstuck.

This is where couples therapy can help especially with a research-based approach like the Gottman Method. Together, we explore these communication patterns, uncover the needs underneath them, and build new habits of connection, repair, and respect.

Try This Tonight

Exercise: Each partner shares one recent frustration using a gentle start-up.
Rule: The listener reflects back what they heard without defending or explaining.
Bonus: Thank each other for being vulnerable.

Even five minutes of intentional practice can shift the energy in your relationship.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If the criticism–defensiveness loop is a regular visitor in your home, you’re not broken, but you may need support.

At The Lake Erie Center for Relationship Counseling, we help couples just like you move from disconnection to understanding using the Gottman Method. Whether you’re dating, married, or somewhere in between, you deserve a relationship where you feel seen, heard, and valued.