Conflict Avoidance in Relationships: Why Therapy Addresses It Head-On

Do you or your partner tend to avoid conflict, hoping it will resolve itself over time? While it may seem like a way to keep the peace, conflict avoidance can create more harm than good in relationships.  Honestly, this is one of my favorite issues to help couples deal with because they end up seeing significant progress from learning the communication tools the Gottman Method offers.  

Why is addressing conflict in relationships so important?  Many of us still tend to believe that keeping the peace in the moment is worth putting off the conflict.  However, the truth is that this strategy most often leads to built-up frustration, misunderstanding, and most crucially -emotional distance.

The Gottman Method uses an evidence-based approach to conflict resolution that helps couples break the cycle of avoidance and improve their communication.  My couples report significant improvement in feelings of connection, improved intimacy and higher relationship satisfaction when using the conflict management tools laid out by the Gottman Method.  One key area of improvement for couples is a deeper ability to discuss unmet needs and desires. This requires a willingness to be vulnerable and a commitment to creating a safe space for both partners. The Gottman method helps provide skills and a framework for this to happen. These discussions increase understanding, a feeling of being seen, and decrease loneliness. 

So, Why Do We Avoid Conflict?

Well, first of all, conflict avoidance can look a few different ways in relationships.  It can look like one partner avoiding disagreements, withdrawing emotionally, or disengaging when issues arise.  It can also look like “We never fight” or over-politeness to the point of putting agreeableness above all else in the interest of keeping the peace.  A couple might also avoid talking about something, for example, money because they fear it will lead to an argument.  Over time, this avoidance creates frustration and lack of trust.

The Negative Impact of Avoiding Conflict

Avoiding conflict can result in emotional distancing, unresolved resentment, and taboo subjects. Over time, it can damage the relationship more than a direct confrontation.  I see this often in my office.  Couples end up avoiding discussions around different issues like parenting, sex or in-laws only to end up feeling a growing tension between them and, eventually, emotional disconnection. 

Why the Gottman Method Addresses Conflict Avoidance

The Gottman Method prioritizes emotional safety in relationships.  In other words, we have to be able to talk to one another about the important things in life without fear of our partner’s level of openness or an adverse reaction.  On the flip side, the listening partner receives the freedom to listen and be curious without being criticized or attacked. When partners feel safe to express themselves, conflict becomes less daunting, and productive conversations can happen.  When frustration can be expressed and fear of criticism decreases, arguments become opportunities for growth instead of a time to shut-down emotionally to preserve a feeling of safety.

Gottman teaches the softened startup—starting a conversation in a calm, respectful manner to avoid triggering defensiveness. This is a tool that directly combats conflict avoidance.

Example: Jenna started conversations about household chores with “I feel overwhelmed when…” rather than “You never help out,” leading to a more open, non-defensive discussion.

Repair attempts are also emphasized in The Gottman Method.  Using small gestures or words to de-escalate tension during conflict helps couples manage disagreements constructively without shutting down.

Example: When Emma and Greg started to argue about their finances, they used humor to break the tension and quickly refocused on understanding each other’s needs.

How Therapy Helps Break the Conflict Avoidance Cycle 

Therapy helps couples identify the triggers that lead to conflict avoidance. Recognizing these triggers can help couples stop avoiding tough conversations and start dealing with issues head-on.  Therapy can help them discuss the conflict in an effective and productive way that helps the couple align or get on the same team.  

It’s important to build healthy conflict resolution skills, especially if you haven’t had good examples in your life for how to talk through conflict.  Therapy provides couples with the skills to handle conflict healthily, such as active listening, validating emotions, and finding solutions together.  It offers a fresh way to address disagreements more confidently and the without fear of escalation

Establishing Ongoing Support

Gottman therapy doesn’t just resolve issues in the moment; it helps couples create a lasting structure for dealing with conflict constructively, fostering a resilient relationship.  Applying Gottman’s conflict tools consistently, even outside of therapy, leads to a healthier dynamic where both partners feel heard.

If conflict avoidance is causing ongoing issues like emotional distancing, unresolved resentment, or difficulty communicating needs, therapy can provide the tools to break the cycle.
We also have to remember that conflict is perfectly normal in strong, healthy relationships.  My ears go up if a couple reports no issues with conflict.  Oftentimes, I find out it’s because they are just not addressing issues at all, which is typically what brings them to my office.  

Conflict avoidance can feel like a way to keep the peace, but it often creates more harm than good. Ready to stop avoiding conflict and start working through challenges together? Book a session with The Lake Erie Center for Relationship Counseling today.  We are here to help!