Common Dynamics When One Partner Struggles with Vulnerability
Let’s look at a real-world example:
Ava wants to talk about how alone she’s felt since their second child was born. She reaches out, trying to open up.
James, who grew up in a family that dismissed emotions, feels overwhelmed. He responds with silence or a vague “I don’t know,” hoping to avoid making things worse.
Ava experiences his retreat as rejection, and her tone sharpens. James withdraws even more.
This cycle is not about lack of love, it’s about protection strategies that no longer serve the relationship. It’s a dynamic that often shows up in our office.
How Therapy Helps Break the Cycle
In Gottman-based therapy, couples learn to:
Name the Pattern Together
The first step is depersonalizing the behavior. Instead of “You never talk to me,” we name the dynamic: “When I reach out, you tend to shut down. I think it’s a protective pattern, not that you don’t care.”
Create a Safe Space for Emotion
Partners practice slowing down the conversation and using softened start-up, a Gottman tool for bringing up issues without blame or criticism.
Example: Instead of “You never open up,” try “I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about what’s been going on?”
Build Love Maps
This Gottman technique involves asking open-ended questions that help partners understand each other’s internal world: fears, dreams, stressors. It’s vulnerability, but in a structured, safe way.
Practice Physiological Self-Soothing
Emotionally withdrawn partners often feel flooded during conversations. Learning to self-soothe through breath, grounding, or taking a timed break can help them stay present.
Learn to Repair After Conflict
Therapy teaches how to acknowledge when emotional disconnection happens and how to reconnect with kindness and clarity.
The End Goal: Attunement, Not Perfection
Not every partner will become a poet of emotion. That’s okay. Vulnerability doesn’t mean constant deep talks or crying together every night. It means:
Being open to your partner’s emotional world
Being honest about your own emotions
Staying present even when things feel hard
In Gottman language, it’s about turning toward instead of away, responding to emotional bids, even if imperfectly.
When to Seek Therapy
If you’re in a relationship where emotional distance is growing, or if conversations regularly end in shutdown, therapy can be a turning point. Gottman Method Couples Therapy is especially effective for helping partners move from isolation to emotional intimacy even when vulnerability is hard.
Remember….
Vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s a bridge.
It’s what turns parallel lives into partnership. Therapy doesn’t force you to change who you are…it helps you feel safe enough to show up more fully in the relationship.
Reach out if you need support. We are here for you.