You’re enjoying takeout with your partner and casually say,

“This is good, isn’t it?”
Their reply? “You never compliment my cooking.”
Or maybe you suggest, “We should plan a trip…we haven’t been away in forever.”
And your partner snaps back, “Should I just quit my job then? Would that make you happy?”

Suddenly, a neutral comment spirals into tension. You feel confused, maybe even attacked. You try to explain, but the conversation only escalates. Eventually, you stop trying, focusing instead on work, the laundry, or scrolling your phone. You want connection, but it feels out of reach.

If this dynamic sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves in a quiet tug-of-war, where even small moments trigger outsized emotional responses. What’s happening beneath the surface is often a buildup of resentment, and it can silently erode even long-standing relationships.

Resentment is like emotional plaque. It builds gradually, often unnoticed, through repeated experiences of feeling unheard, dismissed, or let down. These moments of missed connections, unacknowledged needs, repeated hurts layer over time. Eventually, they form a hardened barrier that gets in the way of even the most well-meaning attempts at connection.

Unlike anger, which flares up in the moment, resentment simmers. It often shows up as:

A harsh tone or sarcastic comment
Avoidance or emotional withdrawal
An automatic assumption of bad intent
A deep sense of loneliness, even when you're together

You may not even realize it’s there until everything your partner says seems to rub you the wrong way.

Understanding Negative Sentiment Override

Dr. John Gottman describes a concept known as Negative Sentiment Override, a state where one or both partners view the relationship through a negative lens, regardless of the actual content of an interaction.

In this state, even a neutral or positive comment is interpreted as criticism or attack. This shift doesn’t happen overnight. It’s the result of repeated small hurts that haven’t been acknowledged or repaired.

It could be:

Being late when your partner was excited to see you
Forgetting something important to them
Minimizing their concerns when they tried to open up

Over time, if these moments go unaddressed, your partner might stop speaking up altogether believing it won’t matter anyway. What follows is a cycle of silence, withdrawal, and tension. And eventually, you both start assuming the worst.

Learn more about Couples Therapy

The Cycle of Disconnection: How Resentment Reinforces Itself

As resentment builds, so does emotional disengagement. You stop reaching for your partner because you expect to be rejected or misunderstood. The relationship starts to feel like a minefield, where even simple interactions carry the risk of conflict or rejection.

Often, this cycle includes what Gottman calls The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

Criticism – pointing out flaws or character attacks
Defensiveness – self-protection that escalates rather than defuses
Contempt – sarcasm, eye-rolling, or belittling
Stonewalling – shutting down or walking away emotionally

Once this pattern sets in, resentment grows stronger—and the path back to connection can feel nearly impossible.

**How Therapy Can Help You Release Resentment and Rebuild Connection**

The good news? Resentment is not permanent. It can be unpacked, processed, and even transformed into understanding.
At *The Lake Erie Center for Relationship Counseling*, we use the Gottman Method to help couples break the resentment cycle and build something stronger in its place. Here’s how:

1. Rebuilding Love Maps

Partners reconnect by getting to know each other again exploring their current hopes, stressors, and inner world. Gottman calls this process building “Love Maps.” When we update what we know about our partner, empathy and closeness begin to re-emerge.

2. Learning to Hear and Be Heard

Therapy creates a structured space where both partners can speak honestly, without interruption or escalation. We guide couples to express needs, hurts, and longings in ways that foster trust instead of defensiveness.

3. Moving from Resentment to Repair

We teach couples how to move through conflict, not around it. Through Gottman-informed tools, partners learn to:

Make and respond to bids for connection
Repair conversations after missteps
Express appreciation and admiration, even in small ways

4. Creating Shared Meaning

Resentment often stems from feeling like you're living parallel lives. Therapy helps couples build rituals, goals, and values that feel meaningful again, so you’re not just living together, but building a life together.

Letting Go of Resentment Starts with One Step

Resentment doesn’t have to define your relationship. It’s a signal that something needs tending and not a sign that all is lost.

You can move from tension to tenderness. From criticism to curiosity. From distance to genuine connection.

If you're tired of walking on eggshells or feeling like nothing you say comes out right, therapy can help. It’s not too late to rebuild.

Ready to reconnect? We’d love to support you in rediscovering trust, intimacy, and communication that works. Book a couples session today