Conflict Resolution Strategies Used in Therapy: What Really Works

“We can’t talk without fighting.” Sound familiar?

Many couples feel stuck in cycles of conflict, repeating the same fights with no resolution. The issue isn’t always what you’re arguing about, but how you’re handling it. From the Gottman Method perspective, conflict is not the enemy of connection. The real problem is disconnection, disrespect, and emotional flooding that shut down productive conversation.

Whether you're dealing with resentment, feeling dismissed, or just tired of going in circles, here are powerful, research-backed conflict resolution tools that are used in therapy to help couples.

1. Use a Gentle Start-Up, Not a Verbal Grenade

“The way a conversation starts determines how it will end.” — Dr. John Gottman

The #1 predictor of whether a discussion will go well? How it begins. Instead of criticism or accusation (“You never listen to me!”), use a soft start-up:

• Use “I statements”: “I felt hurt when I didn’t hear back from you.”

• State what you need, not what your partner failed at.

• Avoid name-calling, sarcasm, or global statements like “always” or “never.”

Pro tip: Practice this skill outside of high-stakes conflict first during everyday stress.  Notice the impact.

2. Learn to Take Breaks When Flooded

When your heart rate spikes, you can’t problem-solve.  You’re in fight-or-flight mode. Gottman therapists teach partners to recognize emotional flooding and call a time-out before things escalate.

Choose a neutral signal or phrase (e.g., “I need a pause” or hand gesture).
Agree to take at least 20 minutes apart and no longer than 24 hours. Use that time to self-soothe, not ruminate. Ideas to self soothe our clients use:  take a walk, play with the kids, read, listen to music, clean or watch a show.
Set a time to come back to the conversation when both partners are calm.

3. Practice the “Dreams Within Conflict” Tool

Sometimes a disagreement about dishes isn’t about dishes, it’s about deeper needs, values, or wounds. The Gottman technique of “Dreams within Conflict” helps partners uncover the deeper meanings behind gridlocked issues.

Ask:

• “What does this mean to you?”

• “Is there a story or belief behind this?”

• “What value or dream does this tie into for you?”

This shifts you out of defensiveness and into curiosity and connection.

4. Use the “Aftermath of a Fight” Ritual

Even the healthiest couples fight. What matters is how they repair.

The Gottman Method includes a structured “Aftermath of a Fight” tool, where couples:

• Take responsibility for their part.

• Validate each other’s experience.

• Identify what they were feeling (e.g., lonely, disrespected).

• Brainstorm how to do things differently next time.

Example: “I wasn’t really listening when you told me you felt overwhelmed. I was caught up in my own stress. I see now how dismissed you felt.”

5. Learn to Turn Toward Instead of Away

During conflict or just everyday interactions, partners are constantly making emotional bids: small attempts to connect. These could be:

• A sigh

• A comment about their day

• Reaching for your hand

The healthiest couples turn toward these bids, even during tension. Instead of ignoring or shutting them down, respond even with small gestures of acknowledgment.

6. Build Emotional Safety

Emotional safety means:

• Your partner listens to understand, not just respond.

• You can express needs without fearing judgment or rejection.

• You repair when things go wrong.

Without this foundation, no conflict resolution tool will stick. Gottman therapy helps couples create rituals of connection, repair trust, and build an emotional climate where problem-solving feels safe.

7. Get Support When Needed

If the tools aren’t sticking or if one partner avoids all conflict, it may be time to get support. A Gottman-trained couples therapist will guide you through these interventions in a safe, structured way, helping you break out of old patterns and create new ways of relating.

Handled with care, conflict can become a doorway to deeper understanding and renewed connection. These are not just strategies, they're habits that build trust, safety, and emotional intimacy.