Have you noticed changes in your sexual intimacy over time? It’s normal for intimacy to evolve, but navigating those changes can sometimes feel challenging. Usually sex isn’t an issue at the start of a relationship. As time goes on, often, sexual frequency and intensity tends to go down.
Sexual intimacy in relationships is often impacted by emotional connection, stress, and life changes. Couples often report intimacy getting off track following a death in the family, birth of a child, increased conflict in the relationship or when there is high work stress. These are just a few examples. Lack of quality time and communication can also result in less intimacy. The less connected we feel, the more distant we tend to be, and then intimacy begins to feel more like a chore than a desire to be close to one another.
The **Gottman Method** provides research-backed strategies for managing changes in sexual intimacy and maintaining a deep connection with your partner. This includes learning how to talk to each other about how we are feeling and assuming the best of our partner. Even if our libidos are low when stress is high, we can change the way we talk about the changes and stop blaming our partner’s biology. It necessitates letting go of the stories we tell ourselves, like “he just wants sex” or “she doesn't desire me anymore.”

Sarah and James(not their real names), experienced a nose dive in intimacy after the birth of their son and subsequent parenting. Co-sleeping with the baby, which they both felt was best, nudged out their physical intimacy. Not to mention, exhausting duties of taking care of a child, threw off their schedules and the amount of quality time they had to be together, talk and feel close to one another.

Partners may grow at different paces and their desires may shift over time, like Rachel and Mark, who started to feel disconnected after changes in their career priorities. Expectations for intimacy and level of desire shifted as Rachel started to travel more for work and Mark was working extra hours to secure a promotion. This left little time for quality conversation and intentional time together. The less they were able to connect, the more alone they felt, and intimacy was impacted.

Gottman’s research shows that sexual intimacy is deeply intertwined with emotional intimacy, and changes in one often affect the other. As life gets busier, couples need to find space to block out the rest of the world and prioritize each other. These moments can not get lost in schedules and task lists as the cost to the relationship is loneliness.

Gottman emphasizes that creating a safe environment for emotional expression is key to fostering sexual intimacy. It is important to feel safe in talking about where you are in regards to physical and emotional intimacy. One has to know that they can say how they are feeling without feeling rejected or guilty.

Lisa and Ben found themselves at a standstill. Lisa felt like she couldn’t kiss Ben without feeling like he wanted sex, and then “I would feel bad for turning him down if he asked,” she stated. Ben said that he stopped expressing desire to Lisa because, “I can only be rejected so many times.” However, when they started communicating more openly about their feelings of emotional distance and stuckness, they began to realize their mutual loneliness and intimacy improved.

Gottman encourages couples to have regular check-ins about emotional connection, beyond the physical aspect. Couples who talk about sex, have more sex. It’s equally important to find rituals of connection that keep you connected throughout the day, even if it’s just a couple minutes when you get home for work or before you go to bed. This ends up being an investment in your intimacy “Love Map”.

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Ella and Chris found that holding hands or sharing a cup of coffee together in the morning reignited the feeling of connection they needed to bring back their sexual intimacy. Sean and Molly started engaging in a six second kiss before departing for work for the day, and found themselves tapping into feelings from earlier in their relationship.

When couples introduce intentional moments of affection to maintain emotional and physical closeness, both partners feel more connected. Next time you sit to watch television with your partner, put your arm around them or place a hand on their knee. These small gestures can increase intimacy and romantic feelings for one another when paired with ongoing open communication.

Here are some tips to discuss sexual needs openly and respectfully. Gottman’s method advocates for honest, non-judgmental conversations about sexual desires and needs. In the free app created by the Gottman’s, “The Gottman Card Decks”, there are questions to help you explore this area with your partner. Sexual desires and needs may change over time, so it’s important to keep the conversation going about this topic outside and inside the bedroom.

Couples can talk openly about what they need, prefer, and how they feel, while being sensitive to each other’s feelings. Laura and Tom started discussing their sexual needs and felt comfortable sharing their thoughts, which reduced frustration and led to a more satisfying sex life. They stopped guessing what each other wanted/needed and started letting each other know what felt best to them.

Relationships evolve, and so does intimacy. Gottman believes that it’s crucial for couples to acknowledge that changes are a natural part of growing together. Julie and Sam acknowledged that their sexual relationship had changed after having children but found new ways to connect, including physical affection outside of sex. A couple’s ability to reframe changes in intimacy as a chance to find new ways to connect and explore can make for an easier transition.

Signs that may indicate it’s time to seek counseling are things such as unresolved conflicts affecting intimacy, one partner feeling emotionally neglected, or difficulty communicating sexual needs. Gottman-trained therapists can help couples navigate these challenges by addressing the emotional aspects of intimacy first, and then working to rebuild sexual connection. For example, Megan and Alex sought therapy when they realized they were no longer sexually intimate and felt disconnected. With guidance, they learned to re-establish emotional safety, which helped bring back their physical intimacy.

If you feel you need additional support, take the next step in strengthening your relationship by scheduling a free 20 minute consultation with a Gottman Method-trained therapist, especially if you feel your sexual intimacy has changed and you want guidance on how to reconnect. The Lake Erie Center for Relationship Counseling is here for you.